Life story of Carol Assaf

The moon was out, illuminating the night sky with a milky glow which enlightens all land creating large eerie shadows. The trees bent in submission to the howling wind which forced their branches to brush along the ground sweeping the dust away from the pathway. The trees cried for help as the thunder was taking over. The solitary building which could barely be described as the house stood alone. The street lamps dimly lit as I walked through the roads inaudibly

My eyes scanned over at the bridge. Every step I took I got closer and closer to my goal.

I arrived at the bridge; I've never felt so scared in my life. This was it, when I do this I could never turn back. My hands were as cold as ice. I walked towards the centre of the deserted Bridge; Gently I climbed onto the slimy railings. I could hear the sound of the cars rumble as they race across the bridge but little by little the sound faded away. i stood at the tip of the cliff looking down, I could feel my heart pounding as fast as a cheater. I could feel shivers trickling down my spine from the hectic fear and image repeating rapidly over and over again. My breath was being blown away from my lungs, like an ice-cold wind being released from its cage. I gasped for air between sobs. Tears from my wide, moistened eyes streamed unchecked down my fair white cheeks. The tears tasted brackish to my lips, with a significant tint of bitterness in them: bitterness that I felt and directed at the others for putting me in such a miserable and pitiful condition as I was in the morning on that day. Tears blinded my eyes as a new surge of emotion swept me. A muffled moan of grief arose in my throat, and my head throbbed with pain. My mascara smudged, like a black ink that has just been exploded all over my face. I could hear voices in my head of my family and friends screaming with panic when they find out what I'm about to do.

If I do this would this be the end of it?

Thursday 12th March 2009

Dear Diary,

My life has been one struggle after another. Dealing with depression was not as easy or as fun as a thrilling ride, it was more like a sickening spin on the merry-go-round; it felt like I was holding on for my cherished life and spinning so fast my hands were loosing grip. It all started in my teenage years; I was only 11 years old when all the thrashing and beating started. Then a few months later it triggered me, "Am I being sexually abused?" I asked, it was properly my inner thoughts playing tricks on me. I thought to myself surely my own father and uncle wouldn't abuse me? Or would they? After a few months it became monthly and then on a daily basis, I couldn't take the dire thrush of pain any longer, but there was no escape... I started to become weak and vulnerable and that's where it all started. I tried to battle my identity, it felt like a strong force of wind holding me back. The thought of me telling someone to end this horrific pain started to become delusional. My feelings today are confused.....scared.....ashamed.......hurt, I wish I could just wake up and realise it was all a FAKE dream. Why me? God why are you doing this to me? All I have asked for is to have a normal life. What have I done to deserve this? Look at me; I'm so unattractive, I feel ashamed for this family knowing they have brought up a hideous girl. Everyone hates me, I don't know why I was even born, I.....I w.....I WISH I CAN JUST DROP DOWN DEAD. I can hear my dad coming upstairs, I have to go now and see how it goes...

Friday 13th March 2009

Dear Diary,

Oh My God you would never guess what? ..... Yesterday night around 1:00am my dad had woke me up, I thought something had happened, maybe someone had got hurt. As I was sleeping my eyes started to irritate me, I started rubbing it thoroughly to make the twitching stop and before I knew it someone had grab my mouth vigorously holding it down tightly. It felt like my heart was going to jump out of my mouth. I tried screaming for help but a voice passed through my ears "Shut up, before I shut you up!" Someone whispered. I opened my eyes in fear. I thought someone was going to kill me, what would you expect someone's hand over your mouth clenching It shut in the middle of the night and threatening you? It was my dad; oh few I thought to myself, I felt a sign of relief. I didn't know what he wanted; he went and locked the door, headed for me and crouched down on his knees and said under his breath "you're a good girl aren't you? Make sure this only stays between me and you or either I have to do something very bad to my little princess"

At that point I was terrified; I didn't know what to do.

"Yes dad" my croaking voice layered with fear echoed in my dim bedroom. I kept questioning my self, what was he going to do to me today? Then he pulled the covers down and kept touching me, touching me sexually. He started to go down to my bottom half and he......he.....he undone my trousers, he came closer towards me and murmured "this is only going to hurt a bit" he grabbed both of my hands, pinned them down, unloosened his trousers, pulled it down and forced himself into me. I tried to remain calm but the pain was too strong for me to handle, I couldn't hack it any longer. I felt an outburst of rage rushing through my body, as if my insides were tearing apart. "Ouch!" I moaned. "Please stop! You are hurting me". I tried to move away but a piercing pain shot through my body once again. My body tensed. I felt violated the pain is like being impaled on a rusty blade, pinned to the wall, writhing with no chance of escape and a scar which can never be erased.

He went on for at least 10 minutes, then he finally stopped and took a quick glance at me "Good Girl" a rough voice hissed; my body started to ache and went numb, I whimpered "My Body...."

"Go back to bed darling, ill see you tomorrow" my dad said with an intimidating smile. He pulled up his trousers quickly feeling agitated and tartan his watch, He came closer to me and kissed me on my moist forehead and walked with his head held high and opened the door, then shut it again. I ran rapidly, picked up my clothes that were dashed on the floor and I sat in the far corner of my room. I grabbed my bruised legs and held them tight against my body; my body trembled in trepidation. I sobbed continuously from the filthy image repeating over and over again in my head. All of a sudden my stomach tilted forward; everything inside of me came out of my mouth. I was sick right beside me on the floor, until terror was the only thing that could escape from my body. When the sickness finished I took a long gasp for air. My head started to hurt and everything seemed unclear and in malformed. I have an idea, an Idea that will erase all the bad and good memories, but what will it be? Just wait and see....

The cold breeze of air blew my long thick black hair. i felt brave to jump but held back,it repeated, I became confused , Was this the door to end my pain?. The pressure I had put on myself slowed my breathing it felt as if I was suffocating. I started to feel hot and lightheaded, I observed the ambience but nothing was clear. My head filled with unknown noise, I heard a feeble hiss coming from my throat. My throat went dry like a barren desert, with just one gulp of air. A wave of something warm and prickly went around my body. My muscled tautened and little by little everything was dark before my eyes. The railings loosened and the edge of the bridge became more slippery by the second. I started to stumble and loosing balance. I took one last deep breath as I knew this was the end of the road.

The train has left its destination...

Dear Family and Friends,

I remember it like it was yesterday,
The kissing and touching all started on my birthday
He didn't care if I lived or if I died
All he cared about was being satisfied
I feel dirty, I feel cheap, I feel used
I'll always know that I'm a victim of sexual abuse!
But I know that will never stop, so let this be the end,
The misery the pain, now I finally don't have to pretend.
I'm sorry for what I'm going to do, but this is the only way,
There is no other reason, for me to actually stay.
I love you
I will be happier in heaven

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